You Can Help Your Child Cope

You can help your child cope with traumatic events: tips for parents and care givers

It is normal for children and young adults to have emotional, physical, and behavioral reactions after traumatic events. Trauma can leave children and young adults feeling frightened, confused, and insecure.  Whether a child has personally been exposed to trauma or has merely seen the event on television, or heard it discussed by others, it is important for parents to be informed and ready to help.

There are many things you can do to assist your children after a traumatic event, which will decrease their risk of having a stress reaction. Your example and intervention may forgo the necessity for later professional intervention.

Children respond to trauma in many different ways.  Some may have reactions very soon after the event. Others may seem to be doing fine for weeks or months, and then begin to show signs of stress. Some children may not show any distress because they do not feel upset. Knowing the signs that are common at different ages can help parents to recognize problems and respond appropriately.  Here are some common reactions to stress as well as some suggestions for helping your child and young adult cope with their feelings.

Following traumatic events, some children may:

• Be afraid to be left alone or afraid to sleep alone.  The child may want to sleep with a parent or another person.  They may have nightmares.
• Be afraid that another event will occur. They may ask, “Will it happen again?”
• Be angry.  They may hit, throw, and/or kick to show their anger.
• Act inappropriately happy.
• Become more active and restless.
• Behave as they did when younger.  They may start sucking their thumb, wetting the bed, asking for a bottle, and/or wanting to be held.
• Be quiet and withdrawn – not wanting to talk about the experience.
• Become upset easily – crying and whining.
• Feel guilty that they somehow caused the disaster because of some previous behavior.
• Refuse to go to school or to childcare—may not want to be out of your sight.
• Become afraid of loud noises, rain, or storms.

What you can do for your children

• Talk with your child and provide simple, accurate, age-appropriate information and answers to questions. .  Let your child talk about his/her feelings.
• Listen to what your child says and how your child says it.  Is there fear, anxiety, or insecurity?  Helping your child to verbalize their feeling may be very helpful, such as, “You seem to be afraid that….” This helps both you and the child clarify their feelings.
• Prevent over-exposure of what your child is seeing or hearing on TV or is being discussed by others and limit this as much as possible. Repeated stories and pictures of the event will only add to feeling overwhelmed and increase the stress.
• Reassure your child.  “We are together.  We care about you. We will take care of you.”
• Selectively talk with your child about your own feelings but don’t overwhelm them. Reassure them that despite how you are feeling that you will keep them safe and there are a lot of good people in the community working at making things better.
• You may need to repeat information and reassurances many times.  Do not stop responding just because you told the child once.
• Hold the child.  Provide comfort.  Touching is important for children during this period.
• Spend extra time putting your child to bed.  Talk and offer assurance.  Leave a nightlight on if necessary.
• Observe your child at play.  Listen to what is said and how the child plays.  Frequently, children express feelings of fear or anger while playing with dolls, trucks, or friends.
• Provide play experiences to relieve tension.  Work with play-dough, paint, play in water, etc.  If children show the need to hit or kick, give them something safe like a pillow, ball, or balloon.
• Empower your child by involving them in discussions and preparations of how to be safe, when and where not to go, what to do if they sense trouble. 

Following traumatic events, adolescents may:

• May abandon chores, school work and other responsibilities they previously handled.
• May seek out attention from parents and teachers, or may also withdraw, resist authority, become disruptive at home or in the classroom.
• May display intense anger or “mood swings”
• May experiment with high-risk behaviors such as drinking or drug abuse.
• Older teens may deny and or minimize the extent of their emotional reactions so as not to be perceived as “weak” or “not cool”. 

What you can do for your adolescents

• Discourage them from visiting or hanging out at scene. Instead encourage remembrances by attending a memorial or dedicate an activity that honors the memory or contributes to the good of the community.
• Remember you are a role model and this has a big impact on your child. It is important to demonstrate that you are not overwhelmed by the event despite what has happened and that you are going on with your life.
• Let them know what you and the community is doing to solve the problem and include them when appropriate.  This will enable them to feel less helpless if they can participate at some level in addressing the problem.
• Maintain your spiritual practice and include your children. Share with your child an inspiring quote or religious passage.
• Develop with your child a safety plan, places and times to avoid, how to sense and avoid trouble- let them know what you do to keep safe.
• Give additional attention, consideration and reassurance.
• Relax expectations of performance at home and school temporarily.
• Set gentle but firm limits for acting out behavior.
• Encourage discussion of community events with family.
• Listen to your child’s retelling of their thoughts and observations about the traumatic event. Avoid insistence of discussion of their feelings.
• Encourage participation in physical activities
• Support participation in social events and community activities, sports, clubs, etc.  See a funny movie. It is okay to laugh and enjoy oneself.
• Help your child find some release for their thoughts and emotions. Suggest they write in a journal, paint, draw, make music or dance.
• Gradually encourage your child to return to their normal routine.
• Address depression, suicidal ideation and reckless behavior directly.  Seek professional assistance if indicated.